Sent: Tuesday, March 28, 2000 5:31 PM
Subject: That's the kind of scene I dig. Baby, you're the gitchiest!
Waking up this weekend in a alcohol induced stupor, I realised a few things about life. No matter what may be coursing through your veins; be it a smooth Miller High Life (the champagne of beers) or a bottle of Cold Duck, high grade hashish or garden schwag, yellows or blues, stripes or totems, munchkins or ruby slippers, it matters not. The conclusion is enivitable: Cartoons Suck!
There are a few exceptions, of course, but very few. The few that are actually entertaining or enlightening are sent to the 6:30 death slot where nobody is up to watch except for the hyperactive attention defecit disordered freaks who have already eaten three bowls of Cap'n Crunch and are too whacked out on sugar to focus, let alone enjoy a good cartoon. Thank the gods that these kids haven't learned the joy (and evil) of coffee. Imagine their strung-out little asses coming off of a java binge, acting like a malfunctioning Furby talking to invisible garden gnomes 'cause their brain has already left the building is hanging out in the park with strangers. Ahhhhh, to be young and hopped up on sugar again. Takes you back, doesn't it?
I blame the 'mon. This poorly drawn and animated little Japanese suckfest comes in two varieties that I know of. You got your Pokemon and your Digimon polluting childrens minds with little monster crap. Twenty bucks to whomever brings me the head of Pikachu! If only there really were a cute little critter that only knows one word that we could kill. Problem solved. But unfortunately the artists (for lack of a better word. I prefer evil, amoral, pathetic, stool-serving, worthless art school dropouts who would rather bring down the I.Q. of everything they touch so that they won't be alone on the short bus.) would just draw another. And another. And another. Thank the gods that they put out toys of each of these little crap-a-toons, otherwise we would never be able to fall for their "gotta catch 'em all" ad campaign jingle. Just imagine if the billions spent on this poodoo were spent on society or something. I'm sure that money would be thrown away to teachers, shelters, youth programs, or some other person or program that is dreadfully overfunded. Thank gods for marketing.
And the concept of these suckers is abhorrent as well. Pocket monsters. The only monsters in our pockets are the ones we don't want to get caught playing with, if you get my meaning. (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!) When I was a kid, if I got caught playing with the monster in my pocket, I would have been sent home. Schools and playgrounds are no place for trouser monsters. And where do these monsters live? They live in BALLS. At least they are made of plastic, instead of a more organic approach. When the Poke master child needs some butt whupped, he cracks his balls open, unleashing an animated death-fest upon his enemies. When the inevitable victory arrives, he puts the bad guy's monster into own his balls with his own monster. No person needs more than one monster attached to his balls. This is unnatural and disturbing on more than one level.
Now these are just a couple of the pools of bile you can find in the Saturday Morning Network Sponsered Crap-a-thon! There is more! The future of NASCAR cartoon blows all kinds of chunks. Don't forget Monster Rancher, Rescue Heroes, Pepper Ann, Sabrina the Animated Suckfest, New Tales from the Cryptkeeper, Beast Machines, Flint the Time Detective, the One Saturday Morning Disney Propoganda Nazi Hour, Mythic Warriors: Guardians of the Legends, and The Avengers.* I will admit that I have only viewed just over half of these, but I can say with all conviction that they suck more than Ginger Lynn. Any show that must reiterate the plot before and after every commercial break just so that you can keep up with the one sentence storyline is just plain sad. And they aren't even any good when you are hopped up on goofballs!
That part I don't even come close to understanding. Scooby Doo, Fat Albert, Pee Wee's Playhouse, uncut Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner shows, and Spiderman all ruled under the influence of goofballs or sober. They could carry their weight and entertain without demeaning one's intelligence. Unfortunately, at this time, the future of cartoons is a sad affair and should be taken out back and put down like Ole Yeller.** DEATH TO THE NETWORK PIGS AND THEIR MONEY-GRUBBING SELF-SELLING CARTOON/TOY ENTERPRISES.
Screw it all, I'm going home to watch Star Trek.
*I left Bugs Bunny & Tweety out of the list, because it constitutes the only legitimate cartoon show on Saturday mornings. It should be noted that these are not new cartoons, but old cartoons that have been chopped into disjointed segments that make little sense, so as to avoid offending seventy year old right-wing conservatives.
**This document referes to Saturday morning cartoons only. Primetime cartoons and the Cartoon Channel are excused from this assault upon their right to exist.
-Dave at the SSC Call Center