Sent: Friday, February 04, 2000 12:58 PM

Subject: In this corner... Tiger Tanaka!

WARNING: The following is not a paid advertisement. This rant may contain elements of free speech that might not be suitable for reading by the easily offended or small children. This is in no way an indictment of those described, but a commentary on them. I do not intend to offend anybody. Well, I guess a couple of people. Well, maybe a lot of people. Aw heck, read at your own risk.

Well, it happened. I saw it. I did not want to, but I did. There it was, in all of it's glory and disgrace. I tried to keep away from this, but I can't anymore. Monica Lewinsky drug me back into the fold. Well, here goes. FAT PEOPLE SHOULD SHUT UP!

I am so sick of hearing fat people complain about being fat. I am sick of hearing skinny people try to sell their diet plans to fat people. I am tired of fat people trying to make me feel guilty about being thin. I will grant that there are a few people with glandular problems that are overweight for no reason of their own, but ninety-nine point nine percent of the pudgies are fat of their own accord. They choose to be. They want to be. They may complain about it, but when you make the choice to do nothing about it, your acceptance signifies your desire.

Some of these bigguns are totally over the limit. You got these shut-in types that haven't seen the light of day in over a year, never get out of bed, and are catered to by some relative with control over their food stamps. These people are scary. If I ever weighed 500+ pounds, I know too many people who would put me down like old Yeller rather than allow me to live like a Hutt. These are good people who would do this. If I were in this condition and you brought me a case of Twinkies, you should be shot for contributing to the obesity of a porker. What kind of relative would allow a loved one to let themselves go like that? At some point, these shut-ins can't get out of bed. How do they go to the bathroom? Who cleans it up? Surely there are some places you can't reach with a rag on a stick.

We also got the generational piggies. When you see three generations trotting along at the mall, and they all have silhouettes like a bunch of pumpkins, the parents are at fault. "If being a lard-butt is good enough for me, it is good enough for my kids." Kinda makes my heart skip a beat to know that this is a real philosophy used by millions of people to explain away and rationalise their kids portliness. If I have children, I would care about them enough to want them to turn out better than myself, instead of using myself as the goal for their outcome. A walking coronary is not a goal your children need to strive for. Do the parents not see that their children are Weeble Wobbles? In the real world, Weebles wobble, and then die from a massive coronary.

Then there are those without children. Well, big surprise there. You ain't gonna have kids when you can't find the parts. And these are the people who annoy everyone else. "It's not fair that I'm so fat, and you are so skinny. It's all these skinny people on T.V. making us larger people feel bad about themsleves for not fitting the mold put forth by the media." Well to be honest, It is not fair having to be so skinny. The media shows pretty people, not people who are pretty fat. Unless they are so fat that it counts as entertainment, of course.

Well good news for all you hefty folks out there, I got the answer for you. After years of research and study, the Slimey Dave Institute for Pointing Out Other People's Problems (SDIPOOPP) has developed a guaranteed plan for helping you lose weight and live longer. This method is completely free, and cannot fail. It is a simple, one-step plan that the smallest (well, I guess not smallest) child can follow, as well as the largest adult. The plan works for everyone. It will even make skinny people healthier.


If all you do is sit on your butt, your butt will get fatter and lazier. Do not depend on low fat or fat free food, because that is a crock. A bag of chips is a bag of chips. No matter how low the fat content is in food, when you eat enough to fill a trough, it will not do anything for your weight except increase it. Diet soda does not do crap for you. Only one calorie, well what's the damn point of consuming it then? Counting fat grams and calories does absolutely nothing for you if you are a lazy idiot. If you are going to make the conscious choice to let yourself go, shut up complaining about being overweight. When your National Enquirer diet fails, don't complain. They only wanted you to buy the magazine, not lose weight. When it is your own fault, don't go out of your way to blame others for your own failures.

Monica Lewinsky should never be a role model for anyone losing weight. You should be your own role model.

-Dave at the SSC Call Center